People can stay in an unsatisfactory relationship for a variety of reasons. Finances, dividing the home and then finding enough money to fund and organise two new homes can be an almost impossible complication. Family, children and friends may all need consideration. The heartbreak and upheaval of decision-making can make an already difficult and depressing situation untenable.
There comes a point though when quality of life has to be seriously taken into account. Someone once said that life is not a dress rehearsal and each day needs to be lived as well as possible. There comes a point where the arguing or general air of tension and unhappiness overrides everything else and the conclusion is reached that children, family, money will all be better accommodated if the relationship is drawn to a close, hopefully as amicably as possible.
There are a few pointers that can help with achieving that result.
- Determine to tell the children together. Don’t let them find out from friends, in the playground, or the day before the move. Try to sit them down and tell them as much as they need to know firmly. Tell them what is happening, but with the reassurance that their lives and their relationship with each parent will be affected as minimally as possible. Children like to know how any changes will affect them, so letting them know about their schooling, their friends, dance classes, football will help them cope better with the news. Also reassurance that they are in no way to blame for the split is important. Let them know that they are loved and can maintain contact with both parents whenever they want to.
- Use the opportunity to review what is right for you. Finding a home quickly is vital, especially if children are a consideration, but it may be a good opportunity to take time and rent rather than buy somewhere straight away, or move back with parents for a time if that is an option. It can be too easy to feel pressurised into making decisions that afterwards turn out to be mistakes. Bide your time, heal, take some time and only then start making decisions about where you want to live.
- Earning money often becomes more important once you are on your own. Maybe take time to reflect on this as opportunity to begin doing something that you have always wanted to do. A new start is often a time when there is the motivation and determination to utilise this freedom. Sometimes taking a part-time job to earn some money can provide enough free time to study or investigate other options for the future.
- Often people feel jaded after a breakup. Freshening ourselves up can provide a new lease of life. A new haircut, losing a few pounds, maybe introducing different colours into our wardrobe can make a big improvement to how we look and feel about ourselves. An improvement to our image can provide a major confidence boost.
- Quickly making an effort to establish yourself in your new life and new surroundings can help ease the trauma of the change. Introducing yourself to neighbours, mothers at school, people you meet at work or the local gym, maybe inviting them round for a coffee, can help you feel that you have started the slow process of re-building your life and are starting to move on in a positive way.
Appreciating that we are responsible for our life and our choices can be a difficult realisation. But it is more honest to move on with our life and take control of our chance for happiness than stay in a relationship for the wrong reasons. When we are honest with ourselves we provide a better quality of life for ourselves and for those whose lives we influence.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist www.lifestyletherapy.net
