There can be many reasons why a relationship fails. Sometimes people were very young when they first got together and they have grown apart over time. Other times a couple may have got so involved in the business of building their careers, a home, a family that once those goals have been achieved they have nothing in common anymore. Sometimes people realise that they never knew each other at all and once the initial attraction has abated there is nothing left.
In the beginning there was a shared commitment to build a life together and the dreams that that encompassed. Those shared dreams often evolve over time into something else, but they were still part of the journey that resulted in where you are today. By deciding to let go of that part of your life let us look at ways to achieve that result as amicably as possible.
Relationship counselling can be a useful first step, even if a couple has no intention of reconciling. It can help because by initially committing to talk to each other in a neutral environment it shows that each person values the relationship and the part that it has played in their life. They are prepared to allocate the time to communicate with each other and find a way through the situation.
Relationship counselling also provides a framework for addressing and acknowledging what has gone wrong or has changed over time. No one wants to repeat the same mistakes in the future, so this can be a valuable time to look at the individual issues and responses that each person may have. Understanding how we feel, why we feel that way, where it has come from, any relevant experiences or patterns in our lives, can be a very therapeutic way of healing those for the future. It gives us time to understand ourselves, who we are, what we want from our lives.
So when the time comes for that important conversation about breaking up : – Set aside time to sit together and discuss the matter. Wait until both of you are prepared and available, calm and ready. – Think through in advance what you are looking to achieve from the discussion. If you are feeling vague or guilty then that will come across and both of you could end up being unsure about what has been decided. – Be as clear as you can be, and firm if necessary. – Do you want to remain friends, have a clean break, or be occasional sex buddies ? – Decide what needs to happen about children. Agree and plan and tell the children only as much as they need to know together. Reassure them that you both love them. – Be honest about your feelings, especially to yourself. – Avoid accusations. They kill any joint conversation because accusations result in people becoming defensive and can culminate in the trading of insults and examples of each others failings.
By following a plan of respect and consideration towards each other it is possible to say ‘We loved each other once, but not any more. Let us move on with our lives with mutual respect for what we once had’. That is a healthier and more positive outcome for all concerned.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net
