Dealing with divorce is usually a traumatic time. There is often so much to consider, decide and organise. All this, at a time when you are feeling extremely vulnerable. It can be a time when you are numb and maybe shun talking with friends or being in company altogether. It can be too much of an effort, or you do not want to be thought a bore or a burden. True friends will understand what you are going through. They will have been with you throughout the whole process and so will want to continue to be supportive. Let them. The bad times will not last forever.
Let us look at other areas to consider as you start back on your feet again.
- Use your lawyer for all the different advice they can give. A good divorce lawyer is there to give you the legal support and advice to help you find your feet again. Ask questions and work through until you get the answers that you need and can understand. Insist on being advised as to what is fair, what you are entitled to and how long the process will take.
- Use a Counsellor. They are trained to help people recover from the trauma of an upsetting divorce, emotional stress and damage, improve confidence and self esteem, learn from their mistakes and start to decide what is the best next step to take. Often after a difficult relationship or an upsetting divorce a persons confidence has taken a battering. Slow steps to find your true identity and sense of self are often best. Healing and recovery can take time.
- Living Arrangements. Maybe consider renting to start with. If you have had to vacate the family home or are needing or wanting to leave it then think about taking temporary accommodation until such time as you are clearer as to what you want to do and where you want to live. It can be easy to act hastily and then end up regretting your actions, so it may be worth spending the money on renting for a time. Maybe live in a house share. That way you have company and it is often less expensive than renting a house or an apartment on your own.
- Use this new start as an opportunity to explore your personal taste and maybe introduce new colours or styles if possible into your home. Buy one item that represents your new start, perhaps a print or a cushion that represents the beginning of a whole new life for you.
- A new image. Reinvent your look with a new haircut or freshen up your way of dressing with a change of style.It may be a good time to change job or look to retrain if possible into something that suits you better. Personal circumstances may well dictate actions, but change can be something to consider.
- If there are children try to stay near their friends or school if possible. Divorce can be a difficult time of readjustment for children, however amicable the breakup. Try to keep as much familiar routine as possible. Reassure any children that they were not to blame for the split. Children often feel that they were in some the cause of tensions and problems that led to the difficulties in the marriage. Avoid criticism of the other parent and allow them contact when they feel that they need to speak. A phone call can provide much reassurance at emotional times.
- Old friends. Sometimes friends feel that they have divided loyalties. Often it can be more straightforward to stay with your own gender, the male friends stay with the ex-husband and the female friends stay with the ex-wife. Sometimes friends can become suspicious of a newly single person, even when it was a difficult relationship. I have heard many stories of people being dropped by long standing friends because they are now single. That can be tough to handle at a time when support is important.
- New friends. Sometimes it can be good to regard this as an opportunity to branch out and find new friends, people who have no connection to your previous life. This can be the beginning of a new identity, a new look, a fresh page in your life story. Compile a list of where you would like to go or of any interests that you had that were put to one side. This could well be the time to schedule some of those interests and start to make new friends. All this will help you become enthusiastic and motivated about life once again.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net
